Book Rec: Happy Fat by Sofie Hagen

Imposter syndrome is real and when I started this blog, a rather large part of me thought, “Who wants to hear from me?” There are lots of more informed, more active, awesome fat people to hear from. People with more experience. People with something to say . So it was beyond encouraging to read these words at the end of Sofie Hagen’s book Happy Fat:

“And then I can only hope you will engage with the fight. I hope you realise how incredibly valuable your input would be. How much we need as many people as possible to actively fight anti-fat bias.”

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I am just a baby Fat Liberationist, but to have this veteran tell me that my voice in particular is needed in the fight? I feel like i can take on the world. And I feel reinvigorated!

The whole book is amazing and very worth the read. If you are an ally, there’s a particularly good chapter on How to be a Good Friend to Fat people. And those tips aren’t just for allies to fat people; they’re important for anyone who is trying to be an ally in any marginalized space. Hagen makes the point over and over again (a point that I’ve made more than a couple of times here as well) that the fight is intersectional, so our ally-ship needs to be as well.

Most of all, reading this book and finding experiences that I recognize within it, from this Danish woman living in the UK, made me feel like I’m not alone. And that’s the thing. When you’re walking around in a fat body and it feels like everything and everyone is against you, it is tremendously isolating. Even someone like me, who has built up an awesome fat community around me, can feel like I’m alone in this struggle. When I need to be reminded that I’m not, now all I have to do is look to my bookshelf.

Happy Belated Birthday to Me

I started this little experiment a year ago yesterday, and even though in the time of pandemic it has been hard to find the extra brain power to write something, I still wanted to take a moment to recognize the anniversary. I have learned so much about myself through writing this blog, and I am so grateful and flattered that others are getting something out of it, too.

At first, I really wanted to tackle the issues of fat people in fandom, our lack of representation, our difficulties in finding characters to identify with, and even how hard it is to cosplay our favorite character both in finding or making costumes that will work and in the inevitable backlash and commentary that fat people can’t cosplay as {insert name of thin character here}. And it is about that, but it’s also become about discovering my place as a fat liberationist and finding my voice in the larger fat acceptance and advocacy world. I’m looking forward to that transformation continuing.

I hope to find ways of making myself write more as this pandemic stretches on and on (and on…). Because I think things will be very bad for people living in a fat body when this quarantine is over. The continued perpetration of quarantine fat memes and those worried about putting on the “COVID 15” tells me that once we can all get together again, it will be next to impossible to dodge the internalized fat phobia, body shaming, and diet talk. It was always there, but now it will be amplified and pervasive, as if it will be perpetual New Year’s and everyone will be making resolutions. More people will be harmed by this than helped, and it’s important for those of us who have been fighting this fight to gear up now and protect ourselves.

So, I’m here for you and to do exactly that. I’m not going anywhere and this blog is going to keep going. One day, I might even get that podcast started.

In the meantime, here’s a cute picture of my big cat because big cats are awesome. (Also, not body shaming my cat is totally going to be a blog post one day.)

Yes, Plato does know how handsome he is, but he is happy to be told again.

Yes, Plato does know how handsome he is, but he is happy to be told again.

Pandemic Onset Fat Phobia (Part 2)

Listen, I get it. We’re all going a little stir crazy. My hair is growing at an alarming rate and I’m fairly sure that I am going to look like a yeti when we are finally allowed to emerge from our homes and access services like salons and barbers again. And March felt like it lasted approximately 5,379 days and we’re not even close to the end of the pandemic, yet. We are all feeling a little wrecked and aged and not at all our best.

There is a right way to make fun of this predicament.

Two images of the same character (in this case Ichabod Crane as played by Tom Mison in Fox’s Sleepy Hollow).

Two images of the same character (in this case Ichabod Crane as played by Tom Mison in Fox’s Sleepy Hollow).

And there is a WRONG WRONG BAD WRONG NO way of doing it.

Two different characters, one of which is muscular and other one of which is fat with a large beard.

Two different characters, one of which is muscular and other one of which is fat with a large beard.

DO NOT DO THIS. Your fat friends are paying attention to those of you who share this nonsense. How the fuck do you think we feel when we see this? If your biggest concern about coming out of this pandemic is looking like me at the end, then aren’t you lucky. It means you’ve had more than enough food to eat for the duration, not having to struggle with job loss or food insecurity. But your inherent fat phobia—that let’s face it was there before the pandemic—can’t let you imagine a worse fate. Fuck that noise.

Also, don’t do this:

What the shit is this??

What the shit is this??

I have no idea who this fool is, probably just a troll based on a glance at his Twitter feed. But this shit isn’t funny. So? People might end up fat. Woe. Start the pearl clutching now. Do you people realize that it feels like the world is ending? This is a HUGE trauma and some people respond to trauma with eating. Some people totally lose their appetite and can’t eat anything. Food is comforting and having access to food can make people feel safe, reducing their anxiety.

If you want a cookie, or a cake, or a whole pizza, why would you ever want to add more stress to your body by constantly denying what it wants? Eat a freaking cookie if it gives you a moment of joy in this hell scape!

And it’s not just memes and random troll posts that are illustrating all that tremendous fat phobia. Articles like this one about the higher death rate in New Orleans all contribute to the narrative that fat people are unhealthy and at greater risk of death. Once again “obesity” is linked to higher rates of diabetes and hypertension and folks, it’s just not true. Buried way down in the sixth paragraph is this gem:

Gee, ya think?

Gee, ya think?

New Orleans just might have a disparity in access to healthcare. Maybe. Possibly. Because what we absolutely didn’t see when Hurricane Katrina hit was an economic disparity among the city’s residents. Not at all.

I can’t fucking stand this. On most days, I can take a deep breath and let this kind of shit pass by with an eye roll, knowing that fat phobia, internalized or otherwise, is a huge issue that is going to take more than just my tiny voice in one corner of the internet to solve. But in addition to the generalized existential dread involved in this time of crisis, it’s just piling on.

Please, miss me with all of this. Feel free to worry about your waistline somewhere else, but keep that shit away from me.

Pandemic Onset Fat Phobia

It’s been hard, in this time of uncertainty and fear over a world-wide pandemic, to find the energy to write about body positivity, fat acceptance, and fat liberation. But as more and more states and cities close their non-essential and non-life-sustaining businesses and facilities, the fat phobia has surged. There’s no shortage of it during normal, non-pandemic times, but as gyms all over the country close and lock their doors, the fear of becoming fat permeates the landscape.

From a FB friend…

Stop. Don’t do this bullshit. Especially don’t do it to yourself. This is an unprecedented crisis and no one knows where it will end. Or when. I understand rampant fear. But if your biggest fear in this crisis is about gaining weight—and not about an unchecked virus running rampant through your community and possibly killing hundreds of thousands if not millions of people—then you need to check your privilege. And if all of that is actually what you’re afraid of and you need an outlet for it, please, I am begging you, do not put it on your body that is just trying to get you through the trauma, fear, and panic. There are plenty of at-home workout videos you can do for joyful movement that don’t require you to go to a gym or have any fancy equipment.

Be kind to your body during these troubling times. And be kind to others no matter what. We are all struggling.

Product Boost: Snag Tights

My blog is completely independent, which means I get no sponsorships and no funding and no one buys ad space (though if you want to throw some money at my Patreon, I’m not going to stop you). All of which is to say that this product boost is here because it’s a product I own and use and love, and I think more people of size should know about it.

If you have ever shopped online for a dress or clothes of any kind, you might start to see ads for Snag Tights. Their tag line is “Tights that fit” and they promise “We’ve got your size” from size 2 to 32. Naturally, I was skeptical, having heard similar claims before. I was especially concerned because I generally wear clothes over a size 32, and I have commented before about how plus size doesn’t stop at a 32 (or 28 in most cases). But, the site offers 15% off 5 items, I had a special event I was going to, and my wife also wanted to try them. Between the two of us, we placed an order for our tights, a mix of the opaque and semi-opaque offerings.

One drawback of this product is that the company is located in the UK and it took a LONG time for the tights to arrive, upwards of 3 weeks. And the tracking information wasn’t as robust as I’m used to for most of my online shopping. But the tights arrived in time for the event, and on the night of the party, I cautiously slipped on my brand new black Snag Tights.

Oh. My. God. They fit! They fit so great I almost couldn’t believe it. Not only did they stretch comfortably over my thick thighs, they stretched perfectly over my butt. Not once the entire evening did I have to pull at my tights because they were sagging or sliding down at the waist. Even when I was sweaty from dancing and had to use the restroom, the tights pulled down AND pulled back up again without any issues. Never have I had tights as comfortable as these before. Never have I finished a night and regretted having to take my tights off. I immediately became Snag Tights’ biggest fan.

The thing I love about this company is obviously that they deliver on what they promise, but more than that, they actually have people modeling their tights that look like the people that would wear them. I can’t tell you how awesome it is to go to their site and find models who look like me! Models of size. Models of color. Models in wheelchairs. Models with assistive devices. Models wearing tights regardless of gender expression.

Also, all the products come in all the sizes. There’s no limiting the fun colors to just the smallest sizes. I bought myself a pair of the Suffragette Purple initially and I can’t wait to branch out into some of the other colors. In addition to tights, there are chub rub shorts for the summer.

I am so excited to be able to wear my dresses and skirts year round and feel comfortable the whole time. If you’re looking for tights and can wait for them to arrive, I can’t recommend these products highly enough.

The Cost of a Superhero Body

It shouldn’t come as any surprise that it takes a lot of work (nutrition, exercise, weight lifting, etc) to have muscles like Thor or Captain America or really any male superhero, who are chiefly admired for intimidating strength. It’s not enough that they have superpowers… they have to look like they have superpowers.

Which is why Kumail Nanjiani, perhaps best known as a nerdy programmer on Silicon Valley, undertook the intense work of changing his body for his new role in Marvel’s Eternals.

This is the Kumail Nanjiani we are all familiar with:

Kumail before…

Kumail before…

And this is Eternals Kumail:

Kumail after… (Source: https://www.instagram.com/kumailn/)

Kumail after… (Source: https://www.instagram.com/kumailn/)

Why am I writing about this? Well, for a couple of reasons. One of them is the caption that Nanjiani posted on Instagram along with this photo. Most of the time, when we are being sold some kind of diet or exercise plan this kind of transformation is meant to look like it was easy. That it only took 6 or 8 weeks. Or that the person was able to keep eating exactly as they had before. Nanjiani puts a stake in all of those: “I found out a year ago I was going to be in Marvel’s Eternals and decided I wanted to transform how I looked. I would not have been able to do this if I didn’t have a full year with the best trainers and nutritionists paid for by the biggest studio in the world. I’m glad I look like this, but I also understand why I never did before. It would have been impossible without these resources and time. [emphasis mine]” He goes on to thank all of his trainers, the people who made his meals, and his wife for putting up with all his complaining and never-ending diet talk, promising “I’ll be interesting again some day.”

This is the truth we never hear from the diet industry. It took someone a FULL YEAR of doing nothing but training and changing how he ate to have this body. Also, Marvel was footing the bill for all of this. Nanjiani is fairly successful on his own, having been on a hit HBO show for many years as well as having been nominated for an Oscar for his work. But it took the resources of a powerhouse like Marvel for him to be able to afford to do this.

Another reason for this post is because I learned that the kind of muscle definition we expect to see from our superheros comes from severe dehydration. I first read about it on a reposted Tumblr thread on Facebook, which made me look deeper into it. A quick Google got me to this article from 2017 about people actually trying to follow Hugh Jackman’s “impossible dehydration diet” for Logan. Jackman said during the press tour for that movie that he would “chug four gallons of water a day, every day — then cut all liquids for the final 36 hours.” The article quotes Robert Herbst, a personal trainer and 19-time World Champion powerlifter, as saying that bodybuilders do this kind “water cutting” to “strategically lose the water between their muscles and skin.” It increases the visual muscle definition but comes with a lot of potentially severe side effects including low blood pressure, rapid heart rate, seizure, shock, or coma. Bodybuilders have fainted on stage or died from cardiac arrest from dehydration.

Also, there’s the impact of these unrealistic physical standards, which includes (perhaps not surprisingly) eating disorders. We hear a lot about women who suffer from eating disorders because they are afraid of being fat or looking fat, such as with anorexia. But what we don’t hear about is men who suffer from muscle dysmorphia. People with muscle dysmorphia obsess over the perception that they are too small, underdeveloped, or frail. According to ANRED, a website for lay people to learn more about anorexia and other eating disorders, more men than women suffer from muscle dysmorphia because “…the culturally defined ideal male is big and strong…” To fix their perceived smallness, sufferers might exercise compulsively or take steroids or other muscle-building drugs.

The start of the original Tumblr post essentially says that these superhero bodies look the way they do for the female gaze. That it’s the fantasies of women that are driving the need for men to dehydrate themselves and over exercise to achieve a desired look. And while I think there is maybe some truth to that, I think we can’t forget that Hollywood is pushing this look as the ideal look for men, and it’s just as unrealistic as the stick thin, large breast and butt look that Hollywood says is the ideal look for women. It’s further trying to define the exclusionary, narrow norm of people’s bodies. One of my favorite parts of that Tumblr thread is the person who wrote that Chris Hemsworth, “a absolute god of a man,” goes through the same kind of dehydration that Jackman did for his shirtless scenes in the Thor movies. “That’s the benchmark,” they wrote, “look at Chris Hemsworth and process that he is told he isn’t suitable for a shirtless scene without prepping for three days and nearly fainting.” If Chris Hemsworth, just as he is on a regular day, isn’t good enough to go around without his shirt on, I don’t know who is.

In the end, it’s not about male gaze or female gaze… it’s people trying to control other people’s bodies and dictate what is “ideal.” And somewhere in society, we have decided that ideal is the same thing as normal. But ideal is something that is generally supposed to be greater than the norm, something to strive for and often never achieve. It is literally the opposite of real. Which leaves the rest of us way, way out in the field.

Brace Yourself: It's Diet Season

Here we are, 8 days into the new year and it has been diet season for all 8 of them (if not more; sometimes diet season starts the day after Christmas). My social media feeds, despite my best efforts at blocking or hiding them, are replete with ads for meal planning kits, diet kits, keto starter kits, and every other manner of “proper” way to eat that one can imagine.

So, here is your semi-regular reminder:

DIETS DON’T WORK

It is, in fact, the opening statement in this article from two researchers who study why diets fail. The whole article is worth a read, but there are two points in particular that I want to pull out:

  • Diets cause neurological changes (“Nicky” is the fictional Naturally Thin Nicky that Mann and Tomiyama use as a stand in for other thin people)

Source: https://theconversation.com/what-thin-people-dont-understand-about-dieting-86604

Source: https://theconversation.com/what-thin-people-dont-understand-about-dieting-86604

  • Diets disrupt cognition and executive function

Source: https://theconversation.com/what-thin-people-dont-understand-about-dieting-86604

Source: https://theconversation.com/what-thin-people-dont-understand-about-dieting-86604

When I say that diets don’t work, what I’m talking about is how restricting caloric intake, whether by eliminating certain kinds of foods or eating a lower number of total calories, is not sustainable. There was a study done in 1950 called The Minnesota Starvation Experiment (MSE), which I knew nothing about until my friend Kathleen posted about it a couple of times. She linked to both this post from counseling student and activist Shira Culter and a longer post from activist Ragen Chastain (which also has a link to Culter’s summary).

Here are the things that stuck out to me: The subjects in the MSE were the 36 physically and psychologically healthiest cis men out of the pool of volunteers. Their calorie restriction of 1,570 calories a day is higher than the current maximum daily intake of calories recommended by commercially available weight loss programs. The subjects experienced severe physical, cognitive, social, and psychological changes during their period of starvation. Even the period of re-feeding (returning to their previous caloric intake of 3,200 calories per day or more) that the subjects had post starvation did not fully reverse the psychological effects of the study. The images below are from Cutler’s post.

If modern diets are asking us to restrict our eating to 1,000 calories per day or less, then they are asking us to harm ourselves in the name of being thin. Not in the name of being healthy… only being thin. The point in Cutler’s first bullet is worth repeating: Prolonged food intake restriction physically and psychologically injures the mind and body. It is a form of trauma—both physical and emotional.

Remember that when you see that NutriSystem ad for what feels like the millionth time this season.

Size Perception

I don’t spend a lot of time thinking about how big I am. I mostly think about how big I feel. And because this world is not designed for people with bodies outside of a predetermined norm, I spend most of my time feeling HUGE. Because I literally don’t fit most places in the world, my perception of my size has become warped to the point where I can’t accurately judge the available space. I can’t look at a chair and know that I’ll fit into it. I can’t look at a shirt and know that it’ll fit my body. I mostly assume that nothing will fit, everything will be too small, I’m way too big for it, I can’t ever be comfortable, and on and on.

I feel like this… constantly squeezing into spaces too small for me…

I feel like this… constantly squeezing into spaces too small for me…

It’s like I’m driving a mini-van, but all the parking spaces in the world read For Compact Cars Only.

This perception of myself as larger than I actually am led to constantly wearing clothes that were 1 to 2 sizes larger than they needed to be. Everything I wore was baggy and shapeless because that’s what I thought I had to wear to “hide” my stomach and thighs. I was convinced that anything that actually fit my body was “too small” because it showed that I in fact HAVE a body!

It wasn’t until I met my wife, also a person of size, and saw how she dressed that the light began to filter in. She gave me some much-needed validation and guidance, and that in turn opened up my world to clothes I wouldn’t have previously considered, at least as much as plus size fashion will allow. I’m already limited in my choices. There are only one or two stores locally that I can fairly confidently shop in, and most of my clothing purchases are done online. What I was doing was limiting myself even further, imposing restrictions based on a flawed assumption of my actual size.

Until the world becomes more equitable for all people, how do we combat this idea, especially when the messages that our bodies are wrong keep pouring in? At least when it comes to clothes, I have a couple of ideas:

  • Measure yourself. With a partner or a friend that you feel comfortable with, someone you can trust to make you feel safe and to not let any bias or judgement seep in, get a measuring tape and go to town. Measure your arms and stomach and hips and bust and butt and thighs and all the things so you know what your actual size is.

  • Check the size charts on EVERYTHING. Even the clothes that you buy from the same manufacturer or store all the time. Are those clothes actually made for your measurements? Does another size come closer? We all know that women’s sizes mean next to nothing. They aren’t consistent and aren’t based on anything other than an arbitrary starting point at 0. So you have to check.

  • Find a tailor. A lot of dry cleaning services will do alterations. For those staple items in your closet, like your favorite jeans or pants/jackets/skirts that you need for work, it is worth the investment to get them fitted to you by a professional. Pants are the hardest thing for me. My waist is a few inches narrower than my hips, and I’m tall but I have average legs. To get pants that fit my hips, the legs are almost always too long.

  • Buy clothes that enhance your awesome. If it doesn’t make you feel awesome, if you’re buying certain clothes only because you think you have to, try something else. Your clothes should make you feel great.

I’m still working on having an accurate perception of my body. I might always be working on it, but at least I can try to present myself to the world in clothes that fit the awesome body I have.