Let’s Talk About Sex
CW: Mentions of sexual assault, explicit content
If it comes as a surprise to you that fat people have loving and fulfilling sex lives, I’m going to need you to check your assumptions. Back when I was a single person, I could literally have all of the sex I wanted. It wasn’t hard to find people who were interested in fucking me. And I had my own period of exploring my sexuality and learning through experience what I did—and definitely did not—want.
Through all of those experiences, I learned that sex was not just reserved for the skinny, beautiful people I saw on TV. I learned that I did not need to make myself into something or someone else to be found desirable. And I learned how to communicate my desires to my partner and expect them to be honored.
The first time I had sex, I was in my freshman year at college. I was with someone I liked A LOT, and I was astonished to find out that he liked my mind and my body. I was very lucky to have a first experience with someone like that, and we’re still friends today. But as I look back on it now, it’s the astonishment that he would want me that bothers me.
I had never had the slightest bit of sexual attention paid to me in high school, and I’m not sure I would have known what to do with it if I did. And I thought, that’s just the way it was supposed to be. The fat girl never gets the guy, always the sidekick, the bridesmaid, etc. That’s the trope that so many narratives are built on.
That’s why this post in ScaryMommy got my attention: It is based on a group page in Facebook and conversations surrounding fat bodies. The article summarizes some of the most common themes we see when it comes to sex and larger people. The comments and quotes were all shared to a wider audience with permission, and I am so happy this page came across my awareness. For each point, I was internally shouting, “YES. YES. YES.”
The most telling and powerful theme is that sexual assault doesn’t have a size limit. Yes, we are also the targets of assault, often because we are told we should be “grateful for the attention.” My first sexual experience could have been very different in the hands of another person because I believed that I should take whatever attention I could get. I didn’t know then what I know now about how valuable I am, and that I am in control of who touches my body and when.
Fat people are out here living our lives just the same as everyone else. We’re loved and lovers, or not. And frankly, I can’t sum up this post any better than one of the people who contributed did:
